There’s no doubt about it: The challenging events in your life test who you are and force you to choose how you respond. If you’re looking for inspiration and proof that you can beat depression, anxiety and fear then Michele Rosenthal is an author you need to meet. Her memoir about trauma, survival, resilience and redemption will show you the beauty of the human spirit and inspire you to tap into your own healing potential.

BEFORE THE WORLD INTRUDED: Conquering the Past and Creating the Future    A Memoir, is one woman’s quest to triumph over trauma — and the very unexpected way she did it. At the age of thirteen Michele Rosenthal survived such a rare, life-threatening illness none of her doctors had actually seen a case. Out of the hospital and making a full recovery, she believed if she only looked toward the future she could escape the trauma in her past. Twenty-five years later, however, the young girl had become a woman imprisoned by memories, fear and posttraumatic stress disorder.

In a bid to reclaim her life and heal her soul Michele boldly left the world she knew in search of a self she could barely imagine. From New York City to South Florida she traveled on an odyssey that took her from the depths of despair to the heights of joy, from her kitchen floor to the dance floor, from a child frozen in helplessness to a woman who is powerful, courageous and free. In her transformation lie the seeds for anyone who wants to conquer the past and create the future. This transcendent book shows what can happen when you discover who you are and then choose who you most deeply want to be.

Advance praise for the book has been spectacular:

“Whenever I feel sad that I’ve finished a book, I know I’ve been transformed by its pages. Michele’s story is incredibly moving, and beautifully written. I’m a lover of words and her prose is rich, descriptive and fluid off the tongue.”

~Deborah Serani, PsyD, Author of Living with Depression: Why Biology and Biography Matter on the Path To Hope and Healing

Michele is a courageous heroine, but she’s also very accessible. She explores the darkest days of her life with a brave, open heart, tirelessly learning painful lessons, which she shares with an engaging vulnerability. When she finally dances into a life free of trauma, we dance alongside Michele happily. I loved her generosity and humanity in this important, beautiful book.

~ Priscilla Warner, author, Learning to Breathe – My Yearlong Quest to Bring Calm to My Life

“Before the World Intruded is a transporting story of trauma and recovery.  An addictively readable memoir that carries the reader along —from [the story of] a child’s exposure to a life-threatening illness, through years of post-traumatic stress,  to a grown-up woman’s euphoric recovery.   By the end of the book you will be crying and laughing at once, and applauding Michele Rosenthal for her courage.”

~Jessica Stern, Expert on trauma and terror, Author of Denial: A Memoir of Terror and Terror in the Name of God.

“The twenty-six year journey beautifully described in Before the World Intruded shows how deeply rooted trauma can become. Much can be learned by reading this book.  Most importantly, Michele Rosenthal had the courage to seek an escape from the inescapable—and that is a choice that anyone afflicted with traumatic memories must make every day.”

~ Ron Ruden, MD, PhD, author, When the Past Is Always Present: Emotional Traumatization, Causes, and Cures

When asked why she wrote the book, Michele explains,

“The funny thing is, I didn’t set out to write this book. When I first began writing I was only trying to heal myself by being able to tell myself the story of what happened to me.  Once I wrote out my trauma, however, it seemed only natural to chronicle my struggle to overcome it. By the time I reached the final part of the book, ‘Healing’, I had taken control of the project. I began to feel there was a purpose to telling my story. By then, I had met survivors of different  traumas struggling with exactly the same issues I was. Through my connections and conversations with them  I came to understand that we don’t heal in isolation, we heal in community. While we are individual in our traumas, we are incredibly universal in our post-trauma experience. There is enormous value in sharing our stories so that we all learn from each other to hope, believe and work toward lives free from the effects of the past.”

To learn more about the book and get your own copy (plus almost $2,000 of free trauma support gifts), visit http://www.beforetheworldintruded.com between now and May 2nd.

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Hypothetically a “brainspot” is activity in the brain in response to focus and eye position.  It is based on the understanding that where we look affects how we feel.  During a Brainspotting session the relevant eye position (Brainspot) is located by asking a client to think of a disturbing issue and activate himself or herself around it.  Once activated (which translates into feeling disturbed), a measurement is taken to determine the rate of disturbance.  0 is neutral and 10 is highly activated.

The client is then asked where they feel the disturbance in their body and an eye position is located that corresponds with that location/feeling. Next a ‘body resource’ is located in order to give the client access to a place where they feel grounded, calm and connected.  During process from the activated eye position the client can then shift their attention to this ‘body resource’ at any time during their session in order to allow for more contained and gentle work.

As a therapeutic model Brainspotting encourages no assumptions and no judgments, and works on the belief that each person is unique, with the innate capacity to heal themselves.  The therapist is trained to track what emerges during a Brainspotting session on all levels: that is, mind, body, spirit.  Ultimately, however, it is the client’s inner wisdom that guides the process.  Brainspotting is an approach that utilizes focused mindfulness.  It can be extremely effective in treating chronic physical conditions, as well as emotional issues including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

For example, one of my clients came to me with a lot of sexual identity confusion.  Their trauma originated with the abuse they suffered at the hands of an authority during adolescence.  My client had tried various other therapies prior to our appointment, including EMDR and cognitive psychotherapy.  Nothing seemed to relieve the sexual confusion and resulting anxiety.  After setting up the session and allowing them to follow whatever feelings and thoughts emerged, various memories not previously recalled were recollected. These were processed and a shift in awareness began:  very little intervention was done.  Within a couple of sessions the client’s gender identity seemed to become clear.

The hypothesis behind this kind of result is that Brainspotting is a physiological approach with psychological results.  As a therapeutic model it lends itself to getting at material we often cannot reach through words, precisely because it appears to work deep within the limbic system of the brain.

Clients can process bodily responses to an incident, with or without words.   Another client, who was working on anxiety as a PTSD symptom, described the “fog coming and going” until it cleared. In a very short time the anxiety they had lived with for years cleared and the recurring scene in his/her mind stopped repeating.  They reported that relationships with family and friends began to shift in a more positive direction.

Another client, who suffered from PTSD, described the process as very much like watching a movie of past events.  According to this client, when the events cleared with the help of Brainspotting,his/ her body felt less tense.   Within a short period of time they reported being less reactive to people.

Each person’s experience will be different.   What happens can be very unexpected.

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“Why can’t they be like we were, perfect in every way – kids, what’s the matter with kids today…”

So the old song goes. I remember hearing my parents sing it and now I often feel like singing it myself. The reality is kids are different with each generation so what worked to get their cooperation in one era may not work in another.

The good news is that today there are many resources to help us resolve conflicts with our children, without resorting to the use of harsh words, soap, belts or hands. Using these new approaches does not necessarily mean just going through the motions and this is where your own skill and knowledge can come into play. The first step is to start to taking care of yourself and, rather than thinking of this as being selfish, look at it as a gift you’re giving the entire family. As another old saying goes, “If Mommy (Daddy) is happy, everyone is happy.”

Another thing you can do is to learn new styles of communication. An excellent book on this topic is called, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk,” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This book is packed with effective tools to help you learn new habits. Once we are able to change our behavior and our approach we can resolve many conflicts because when any one person in a relationship changes, the whole relationship changes. It’s also true that every child is different so some trial and error may be required to find out what works best for your situation.

Tools for better Communication:
PRAISE – Be specific: Say, “The picture you drew shows a lot of color.” vs. just saying, “That’s pretty.” Or how about, “I appreciate how you used your phone to call on time today.”

ACTIVE LISTENING – Use eye contact and focus on wanting to understand what your child is saying. Ask your child what they feel, think or are concluding and then restate what you heard them say to make sure that is correct. Or make some acknowledgment of what they said.

ROAD BLOCKS – Be careful not to deny their feelings by saying something minimizing like, “You can’t be that upset.” Or giving them a philosophical response like, “You have to learn to not take things so seriously.” These kinds of responses are hurtful, harmful and block effective communication.

“I” STATEMENTS – Frame your words in positive “I” statements like, “I’m glad you made the team, “I feel proud of you,”
“I appreciate your help today cleaning up the garage. You made it much easier for me to get to my other chores, thank you.”

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Dissect the word ‘relationship’ and inside you’ll find the words ‘relate’ and ‘ship.’ Can we view a relationship as a ship we are on to relate to another? What a concept! The question is, are we ever really directly in relationship with anyone or is it more often with our image of him or her? This is an important question to keep in mind when we are having a conflict with someone.
I find more and more people coming in for therapy today because they are anxious, depressed, lost, sad and frustrated over their “relationship” issues. But is it really the relationship that is causing them such distress or is it their own, often unstated, wishes and expectations of how things ‘should’ be that cause so much turmoil?

How often have you found yourself upset with someone because they didn’t behave the way you wish they would? We often want or expect our present relationships to fulfill unmeet needs from the past, and when we don’t get what we want, we get angry and blame the other. This can lead to arguments and fights.

Recently someone came to me feeling unfulfilled in her marriage. She wanted more from her husband who always seemed aloof. They would argue and she always felt that she was trying to make a point but he never quite understood her. She was upset at not being seen or understood by him. The more we explored this relationship, and other relationships in her life, the more a pattern began to emerge. What it revealed was the similarity between those who were close to her and her mother. She began to see the similarities. She realized she was approaching her current relationships with the wishes and hopes she had once had around her mother. She later revealed how her mother had always put her and her siblings down if they ever surpassed the mother’s goals in life. My client began to relive the pain of not receiving what she needed from her mother, as well as the feeling of being caught between wanting to please her mother and wanting to live her own life to the fullest. She had entered her marriage with similar wishes and hopes and would get into similar patterns in her fights with her husband. Each time she hoped it would be different. After exploring things further she saw how she was in fact feeling upset about all the good things going on in her life.

Does wanting to please another, yet wanting to reach for your own desires and dreams sound like a familiar scenario? My sense is many of our conflicts come from imposing our beliefs on others or trying to live up to others’ ideas of who we should be. Our turmoil results from feeling isolated and alone, when in fact what we are really isolated from, is our own sense of self, our own heart and our own well being.
You may argue, ‘Great, but when I do follow what I want I feel selfish.” This kind of thinking means that you’ll continue to try and please others, and then get frustrated and angry when you’re not recognized for your sacrifice. It can be a vicious circle.
So many problems in relationships can be traced to vicious circles we get caught in as we try to make others see and understand us. One way out of this situation is to trace what the circle is and then see where you could perhaps ‘give’ rather than try to ‘get.’ For help on tracing your circles and finding peace in your relationships contact Cynthia Schwartzberg, LCSW 917 816-3534; CSCyntha@aol.com

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by Cynthia Schwartzberg, LCSW

Your partner is late meeting you and you begin to think to yourself, ‘He can’t be trusted; he doesn’t even think of me. I don’t count. I don’t matter.’
But what’s really going on and what is he thinking? This is a good question because most times we don’t really know.
He replies that he had to run to the store first and you immediately conclude, “I knew it. He doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
He apologizes but you’re convinced he just isn’t interested in you.
What you’re thinking is real, is logical, all your friends agree.
But what is really going on here?

One could say it’s all because Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus as John Gray did in his book of the same title. But this miscommunication and misunderstanding doesn’t just happen between males and females. It happens with people of all ages underscoring the point that we all seem to come from different planets.
We each use an individual, inner vocabulary that we have developed from birth. It is our way of understanding, interpreting and defining the world around us. When we enter a relationship we bring this frame of reference with us – which works out most of the time. However, when something affects our reptilian or limbic brain we react with history and basic information. It’s in those moments that we tend to become more defensive and reactive and fall back on what is called ‘all or nothing thinking’. Then we are indeed on our own planet, far away from earth and far from reality.

In real life situations far more often fall into the realm of gray and the three dimensional with many viewpoints and interpretations possible. The key to ‘all or nothing’ moments like this is to learn to calm down enough so that we can consider how our minds got so narrow, our vision myopic and our emotions explosive. Once we can identify these reactions we are less identified with them. We can then begin to step off our own planet and onto someone elses. And get to know their language.
Recently I was with a dear friend who mentioned she tends to “suck it up.” Having that information let me know her language and style. We were on our way someplace and I had gotten caught up on a cell phone call. When I hung up I could tell something had changed for the worse.
I said, “Were you upset I was on the phone?” She said she was frustrated because she was trying to get us to our destination on time and she had no idea where it was. Her expectation was that I would get off the phone and help. I didn’t do this, however, until we arrived. And that sure bothered her. After hearing her explanation I apologized and asked what she needed, and gave it to her (it was a hug). We ended up back on earth and together again.

I could have retreated to my planet and pretended nothing happened or entertained a myriad of bad thoughts; ‘I’ve done something wrong, I’m bad, she doesn’t like me any more’ or some other form of rejecting and isolating thinking. But instead I drove my spaceship back to her planet and I’m glad I did. I let go of my pride and stuck with my care for her and the realization that my actions affected her. I was also aware enough to catch myself starting to steer my ship away and it wasn’t a good feeling – very distant and detached.
We may not be able to change the other, but we can always drive our spaceship back toward them and toward earth, remembering there are many ways to understand a situation.
For more information on this topic or others regarding relationship, stress, and more contact Cynthia Schwartzberg, LCSW at CSCyntha@aol.com .

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